Putin dismisses doubts about his mental health and appoints his horse as Foreign Minister
of health “ It’s full of people suggesting that I am crazy. But I’m not crazy. The little voices in my head say it too: Vladimir, you’re not crazy! “.
It is with these lucid words that the Tsar of all Rus … er, the president of Russia, as well as former president of Russia, as well as former Prime Minister of the Russian Federation, as well as former president of Russia (stuff to compete even with Zaia and Formigoni) wanted to dispel any doubts about his mental conditions, which those rare analysts trained outside the social networks believe to be no longer reassuring as in the past years, when the rashest gesture that the Kremlin leader allowed himself was at the limit suggesting covertly that he would not then had a lot of grievances if someone, as a gift for her 54th birthday, found a not necessarily kind way to shut up a journalist who covered a lot of Chechnya and was becoming an annoying thorn in the ass.
Putin mental health
“ They say I’m crazy just because I entered Ukraine to defend Donetsk and Lugansk and then my hand slipped and I invaded it all and I threatened World War III.
It’s just that I’m having a hard time. My mother plotted with my uncle to kill my father and then he married him too.
To bomb or not to bomb, this has never been a dilemma ”Putin reiterated as he wandered through the corridors holding Yeltsin’s skull.
Many, after an invasion that they thought was only a bluff, wonder what happened to the subtle chess player of contemporary politics: “ Do you want to know the truth? I’ve always been a checkered shoe.
Once a child opened by moving a pawn in D-3 and sent me into a crisis, and then I made the only possible move: I took the board and threw it on Red Square, then I sent the child to Siberia, he and his entire family up to third-degree brothers-in-law and going back four generations.
I had to have his relatives dug up from here to Vladivostok. Why do you think he had Kasparov arrested? For what he was saying? I didn’t listen to him. No, just because chess is doing slightly better than me!“.
But if the former lieutenant of the KGB colonel, geopolitics experts ask, isn’t crazy, then what the hell would his war goal be? “ Eh, I’d like to know too. I swear I knew, then I watched a season of Ozark before they blocked me from Netflix and I don’t remember shit anymore. Some accuse me of wanting to rebuild the glorious Soviet Union, others of wanting to regain the maximum expansion of Russia conquered in the 19th century, but I am not a visionary with utopian goals, what I want is real: to rebuild the Galactic Empire dreamed of by Lord Palpatine “.
Putin however announced that to offer a sign of availability he removed the historic Foreign Minister Lavrov from his entourage and entrusted the task to his most trusted horse, Soldatinov: ” Sergej disappointed me, he went around saying that the ours was not an invasion. Fuck, if this isn’t an invasion! Next time, to make it clearer, I first open an event on Facebook! “.
We would like to stop and talk to the man who promptly crushed the hopes of a world that was painfully emerging from two years of a pandemic but our time is up.
First, however, he gives us a last gesture of courtesy: “Would you like a cup of tea? No, huh? You do well, I would never accept anything offered by me. But where the hell am I going to put my tinfoil hat to keep them from reading my thoughts and catching Amazon Prime at the same time? “.
We leave him by paying the pledge agreed to obtain this confidential meeting, which is an autograph of Cristiano Ronaldo but passed off as that of Marco Travaglio, and promising to convey his greetings to professors Canfora, Orsini, and Povia.
When we look back for one last look, we see him looking out of one of the Kremlin windows as he jingles three vodka bottles stuck between his fingers and yells, “ Americans, let’s play war? “.
In a corner, Soldatinov, sitting at his desk, is sending an email to his new colleague Luigi Di Maio hoping that he will be able to open it.